I sometimes wonder why . . .

. . . I continue to pursue things that are beyond me.

Some call this reaching nobility. Others call it stupidity (the inability to see how inferior you are and hence the blind trying). And still others reserve judgement: it is what it is; it is reaching.

When I was a kid, I collected quotations on punched index cards in this little blue book. One of them said: "A man's reach should exceed his grasp; else what's a heaven for?" That quotation from Goethe gave me hope, even back then when I didn't really need help believing I could do what I wanted to do in life and beyond.

Now, I sit here thinking Is it enough to reach? Maybe the upward direction is all one needs?

Alone . . .

I know the sound that being alone makes. It's an echo in the brain that says why-why-why did I speak? It's the vast hollowness of a canyon, stripped of all vegetation and life, waiting waiting waiting for the pebble, the words, to fall and make a clattering sound (even if that sound is small). A sound that proves that the words exist, are real, are as tangible as flesh and bone.

It's you sitting at a dinner table not saying anything, because the words in your mind, the questions questions questions are foreign or incomprehensible or wrong if spoken in this space and at this time. You cannot win: silent, you are odd or rude, and yet, if you speak, you are rendered a foreigner in your own land.

Tonight, I am hostage to the words I do not speak. The wrongs I do not attempt to right, because my speaking the truth about myself and those I know would not be understood. Being a hostage is another form of alone.

Goals that seem possible . . .

1) Return to the elements--drink more H20; breathe in more air (N, O, H20, CO2, etc.)--the cleaner the better; dig in the soil (K, Ca, Mg, P, Fe, Zn, Cu, Mn) and hopefully learn more about the soil (here's one link I might look into).

2) Turn off technology more often--like the battery on my cell phone, I'm a bit drained. Maybe this goal shouldn't be listed under "possibles," as my work requires the computer, my writing requires the computer, etc. BUT what I'm thinking is less email checking. Less mindless surfing. Less time staring at the screen, and more time doing other things. I would love to go days without turning the computer on. Honestly.

3) Focus.